On preserving vulnerability and human connection in the time of social media.

More reflections on loneliness, the loss of human connection due to social media, why I do not share my private life online anymore, a writing prompt and a photo prompt.

When I joined social media way back in 2010 by making a Facebook account, I was late to the party. And I was late to the party on purpose. I didn’t like the idea of this digital space where everyone was overly connected to everyone. I didn’t like the idea that my brother’s friend’s mother could have information on where I had gone and what I was doing, especially because the auntie gossip network was already so strong that my mother already was aware of anything I did before I even did it. I joined Facebook on the insistence of my mother (who I lived with at the time) and my friends who wanted to stay connected.

Within the first week of joining, I realised that though it was nice to keep in touch with people and wish them on their birthdays, I would only use social media to post my art or my writing. That feeling of peering too closely into someone’s life as though I was invading it never left me alone and within a few years I had entirely abandoned the sharing of my private life on social media. I now use it predominantly to share my art and words, the poems of others or an occasional photo of my cats.

As I am a person who suffers with loneliness, you may think this is a oxymoron of sorts. How is breaking away from human connection which is right in your pocket on your phone good at all if you’re lonely? Truthfully I think social media has made loneliness worse by creating parasocial relationships which are often unhealthy and have caused us to become apathetic and unkind towards other human beings in ways we would never be face to face with a person. We know both too much about each other and so little that we no longer see the person behind a screen as a human being with feelings.

This lack of humanity is foundational for loneliness, depression and anxiety.

For isn’t it utterly surreal to hear the very worst things about yourself or get death threats from someone who has never interacted with you beyond a few posts online? The first time I got a deluge of death and rape threats because a poem I wrote about teaching our daughters to love their bodies from an early age winded up on the wrong side of social media, I had a panic attack and couldn’t post anything for weeks.

The poem I posted that received so much misogynistic abuse.

If you have ever been on the wrong side of the internet, or had to go through a hateful comment from a random stranger simply for existing, I am sorry you had to go through that. I know that we are taught to ignore or dismiss these casually cruel comments, but that does not mean these comments do not hurt. Whether you are called atrocious things in real life or online, the effect on your mental health is the same. The ability to constantly filter out cruelty from others should not be a skill we need to perfect to live in this world. Apathy is destructive to the soul, and yes, in turn to human connection. You can’t form a meaningful relationship if you’re working so hard on caring less and less what people say to you. Shared vulnerability is a huge part of human beings connecting – and you cannot be vulnerable if you are justifiably afraid to be.

One of the biggest reasons I started this Substack is for the control over the interaction I have here. It is a relief that there is no social media algorithm rewarding people for sending hate or contempt my way. The comments I have received here have led to such wonderful interactions, the kind I remember from my wordpress days and I no longer feel anxiety when I pick up my phone and see notifications from this app. I like a community to be predictable in their kindness that way, where even if someone disagrees, they don’t do it in the cruellest way possible. And this brings me to the writing prompt for this piece.

Writing Prompt:

Write about the time when you were truly vulnerable. Was it on the internet? Was it in real life? How was your vulnerability received and did it make you feel safe? If it did not make you feel safe, write about why and what could have gone differently to instill that sense of safety in you.

Photo Prompt:

The last time I got a hateful message online, I went to the National Gallery to replenish my mind with some art. This piece of work stood out to me, the lone stag in particular. How does this painting make you feel? Free write about it for 2 or more minutes. Imagine the stag has a message for you. What would that message be?

January Reminder for Paid Subscribers:

The month of January is all about renewal and in the spirit of this, I am bringing you a creativity challenge. We will work together through a series of fun and beautiful creative exercises, help each other stay on track and create some wonderful art along the way! I am truly looking forward to doing this with you, I can’t think of a more powerful start to the year than to start it by allowing our creative sides to play as much as they need to!